Sterling Archer, Born To Be A Star
by Red Witch
Summary: Things get tense at the Figgis Agency when the press gets hold of a few of Archer's sexual escapades.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is shooting a video somewhere. Here's what I think probably happened during those three months before Season 8 started. It also references my story Archer Nights.**

 **Sterling Archer, Born To Be A Star **

"Geeze La Rue!" Pam grumbled as she walked into the bullpen. "Did you **see** all those news trucks out there?"

"Unfortunately not until I got into the parking lot," Lana grumbled. "Had to run the damn gauntlet with a pair of sunglasses and saying 'no comment'."

"I snuck into the back with Krieger," Ray remarked. All the remaining Figgis Agency members were in the bullpen. "Pretty easy now to ditch people with my bionic legs."

"Everybody wants to know more about the life of Veronica Deane's lover who she shot and left for dead in her own pool," Lana sighed. "And the people around him."

"Well it's not like we didn't know this was going to happen," Cyril sighed. "I'm just surprised it didn't happen sooner."

"I guess we lucked out that a few Hollywood power couples split right at the same time Archer got shot," Pam shrugged. "Could have sworn Tiffany Weapons and that Shakespeare actor would go the distance."

"Yes, but we're not that lucky now that the story has really broken and starting to pick up steam," Lana sighed. "So what do we do?"

"The only thing we can do now is just sit tight and ride out the story," Mallory said. "Keep our mouths shut. Sooner or later something more interesting will pop up and those news jackals will run away looking for a better meal. Trust me. This is not my first scandal."

"Imagine that," Lana said dryly.

"I meant publicly!" Mallory snapped. "Trust me I've had a few incidents in my past."

"A **few?** " Ray gave her a look. "That we **don't** know about? Like **what?"**

"Remember when Agatha Christie was missing for eleven days?" Mallory asked. "Let's just say I had a hell of a hangover from that time."

"You're kidding," Krieger was stunned.

"Nope. That movie Michael Apted made was **way off** ," Mallory groaned. "Except the part for her ditching her cheating husband to teach him a lesson. And the incident with the Beronic Chair. That was true."

"Hey guys!" Cheryl looked out the window. "They're doing some kind of news story about us! Turn on the TV!"

"Oh god!" Cyril wailed as Krieger turned on the news.

"Oh grow a pair!" Mallory snapped.

The screen showed the Figgis Agency in the background. "This is Darlene Love from Jaguar News," A beautiful African American woman was reporting. "In front of the Figgis Agency where attempted murder victim Sterling Archer worked as a private detective working on his license. However, it has now been revealed that Mr. Archer has done more than detecting in his line of work."

"This does not bode well," Mallory frowned.

"Videos have recently surfaced about Mr. Archer's porn career," Darlene Love reported. "In a few low budget porn movies produced by Big Bob Bodunk."

"WHAT?" Mallory and Lana shouted at the same time.

"Here it comes," Cyril groaned.

"YOU **KNEW** ABOUT THIS?" Mallory whirled on Cyril.

"Define knew…" Cyril winced.

"Shut up! I want to hear this!" Pam snapped.

"Me too," Lana folded her arms.

"This is the only clip we can show on television from Archer's films," Darlene reported. "If you can call them that." Then the clip was shown.

Mallory frowned as the clip was shown. "What the hell is that penguin doing there?"

"Probably getting emotionally scarred for life," Ray groaned.

"How could Archer do this to me?" Lana barked.

"To **you?** " Mallory snapped. "How could he do it to **me?** "

"Not even a few hours into our break Archer runs off and bangs a couple of bimbos on film!" Lana barked. "And possibly a penguin."

"I swear every time I think Sterling can't sink any lower into depravity…" Mallory rolled her eyes. "He discovers a new sewer pipeline!"

"He does seem to have a talent for striking a vein of an unlimited amount of filth," Cyril remarked.

"SHUT UP CYRIL!" Lana barked.

"DON'T YELL AT **ME!** " Cyril snapped. "I'm not the idiot on the porno!"

"For once," Cheryl quipped.

"Shut up Choke-A-Hontis!" Cyril snapped. "I'm not exactly thrilled about this either! Do you have any idea what this scandal could do to the reputation of my agency?"

"Who cares about **your agency**?" Mallory shouted. "Think about what this would do to **my reputation**?"

"Since **your reputation** is tied to Cyril's agency now…" Ray gave her a look. "You should."

"Damn it!" Mallory snapped. "I swear if Sterling wasn't in a coma I'd **kill him!"**

"Technically you still could…" Cheryl spoke up.

"SHUT UP CHERYL/CAROL!" Everyone else shouted.

"Maybe nobody else will see this?" Cyril asked hopefully. "I mean it is Jaguar News. A cable news station…"

"A cable news station that just replaced CNN as top dog," Pam said. "And with a scandal this big and juicy? They're going to run this story into the ground…"

"That means Trudy Beekman will probably see it," Cheryl couldn't resist twisting the knife.

"OH MY GOD!" Mallory screamed. "STERLING YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Yeah," Cheryl laughed. "There goes **that** long shot of you getting back into high society!"

"AAAGGGGHHH!" Mallory screamed in rage.

"As well as all your former friends and rivals back in New York," Cheryl added. "That will give them something to talk about, won't it?"

"Oh, Dear God!" Mallory groaned.

"Not to mention all your former contacts who know you and Archer," Cheryl went on. "Boy if your name wasn't Mud before it sure is **now!"**

"I hate you so much…" Mallory glared at Cheryl. "You are an argument for birth control if there ever was one!"

"Not to mention I bet Lana's parents will see it," Cheryl went on.

"Oh my God!" Lana realized. "Dad loves Jaguar News! I am so dead…"

"And Cyril's father too…" Cheryl added. "As well as any potential clients that would think of hiring this agency."

"You're just a little black crow of misery today aren't you?" Ray snapped.

"I try," Cheryl smiled.

"Oh God…" Cyril groaned as he turned off the television. "I **knew** Archer's latest drunken escapade would bite me in the ass!"

"Yes, you **should!** " Mallory snapped. "I can't believe you kept this from me!"

"And me!" Lana snapped.

"To be fair it was after the fact," Krieger spoke up. "It's not like we knew about it before he told us."

"You knew about it **too?"** Lana glared at Krieger. "Who else? Ray?"

"Uh yes…" Ray winced. "I kind of found out about it the same time Cyril and Krieger did."

"Me too!" Pam said cheerfully.

"Me three," Cheryl nodded. "Pam showed them to me."

"PAM?" Lana barked.

"It's not like I put them online," Pam said. "They came with my subscription package."

"You have a subscription package for **porn**?" Lana was stunned.

"Doesn't everybody?" Pam asked.

"Ehh….," Ray, Cyril, Krieger and Cheryl shrugged in agreement.

"When was this **exactly**?" Lana glared at them. "Ray…"

"Well…" Ray let out a sigh. "From what we gathered from Archer's story. Basically, the night of the day you two broke up but before he slept with Veronica Deane."

"So basically…" Lana was stunned. "In not even a **day** after we go on break Archer not only sleeps with some bimbos, he stars in a **porno?** "

"Technically two and a half pornos," Pam spoke up. "They intercut a few scenes of Archer in another porno."

"None of them were any good," Krieger said. "The editing quality was shockingly bad even by porn standards."

"Even Krieger makes better films than that," Cheryl added. "Actually his pornos are pretty good."

"Thank you," Krieger nodded.

"So basically everyone but Lana and I knew about my son being a porn star?" Mallory groaned.

"Well I wouldn't call him a **star,** " Pam shrugged. "Honestly that was not the most quality porn I've seen. And in today's competitive market…"

"I want to see this film Sterling was in!" Mallory snapped.

"Which one?" Pam asked.

"Any of them!" Mallory snapped. "I need to know the damage!"

"Me too!" Lana agreed.

"Oh no, no you **don't** ," Ray groaned. "You don't need to see this…"

"Oh like none of us ever saw Archer having sex with other people before!" Lana snapped. "Oh dear God we've **all** seen Archer having sex with other people before."

"Still you might want to listen to Ray on this one," Pam said.

"Show me **now**!" Mallory ordered.

"All right," Pam went to a computer and put it up. "But don't say we didn't warn you."

"Just show it!" Mallory took in a breath. "I need to know…"

"Okay…" Pam sighed as she turned it on. "But I am going to leave the sound off. The dialog is atrocious anyway."

The Figgis Agency said nothing as it played. Then…

"Oh my God," Mallory blinked. "This is the worst porno I've ever seen."

"I tried to warn you," Ray told her.

"I knew it would be bad," Lana was stunned. "But I didn't think it would be bad- **bad!** "

"Yeah it's bad," Cyril sighed.

"Really bad," Ray sighed.

"As in badly made, badly shot…" Pam said. "Badly scripted…bad photography. You can't tell if that's a knee or a boob there."

"You can't see half the screen with all the whipped cream," Krieger remarked.

"Again," Pam asked. "What's with the penguin?"

"It totally distracts from the plot," Cheryl agreed.

"I can't even get an erection from this," Krieger chuffed. "And believe me, that's saying something."

"We know **you,** " Ray sighed. "It is."

"I'm guessing this Big Bob Bodunk is the Ed Wood of porn films," Lana sighed.

"Are you kidding?" Krieger said. "This guy makes Ed Wood look like a cinematic genius!"

"Dear God!" Mallory wailed. "It's bad enough that Sterling became a porn star, but he's a **bad one**? The **shame** of it all!"

"Dirk Diggler can sleep well tonight," Ray remarked.

"Kind of makes you realize all that money you spent on him going to those private schools went down the drain huh?" Cheryl asked. Mallory screamed in frustration to her delight.

"My parents are so going to kill me…" Lana groaned.

"Speaking of which," Cheryl added. "If County Day figures out that Archer's kid is involved in a huge porn scandal, AJ might get blackballed again."

"OH GOD NO!" Lana groaned.

"Unless Ms. Archer pays more bribe money," Cheryl added. "From her rapidly dwindling account."

"OH GOD NO!" Mallory screamed.

"Wow I am just on fire today!" Cheryl giggled.

"You're going to be **on fire** if you don't quit it!" Ray warned.

"TEASE!" Cheryl stuck her tongue out.

"Uh oh," Pam noticed something. "Looks like those films aren't the only things going around. There's a few other videos making the rounds on the Internet."

"What kind of videos?" Lana asked.

"The kind you normally would pay someone to **not** put out there," Pam sighed. "The Grizzlebee's incident for one."

"But that's been online for weeks," Ray said. "Wait, Krieger didn't you find a way to take that down?"

"Oh," Krieger blinked. "Was I supposed to do that?"

"Stupid question," Ray groaned. "What else?"

"Remember when Archer lost his memory and got married?" Pam asked.

"Who remembers?" Mallory scoffed.

"Well his ex-wife does," Pam said. "With the help of this video she had."

"Archer's ex-wife posted a sex tape **online?** " Lana was stunned.

"Technically, no…" Pam corrected. "One of the kids did. And it's not as much a sex tape as it is a sex farce tape."

"What's the difference?" Mallory asked.

Pam turned on the video.

CLUNK! CLUNK! WHAM!

"Ow…" Archer was heard groaning.

"Oh **that's** the difference," Mallory blinked. "I see…"

SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSHHH!

"And that's why you should never use a waterbed as a trampoline," Ray remarked. "I bet they didn't get their room deposit back with that mess they made on the carpet."

"The irony is that this is still better shot than the pornos," Krieger remarked.

"Definitely much better camera work here," Pam agreed.

"Will you put a sock in it Moron Scorsese?" Mallory snapped. "What else?"

"Apparently, a few of the hookers as well as the occasional hook up Archer went with also secretly recorded him," Pam said.

"How many?" Lana groaned.

"Hookers or hook ups?" Pam asked. "Because there is a difference."

"Either! Both!" Lana snapped.

"Six…" Pam began.

"That's actually pretty low," Mallory remarked. "For Sterling."

"Yeah I thought that number would be a **lot higher** ," Cyril agreed.

"Hookers," Pam said. "Six hookers."

"Still low," Cyril shrugged.

"Fifty-six are from hook ups," Pam added. "Sixty-two total."

"Still pretty low considering…" Cyril remarked.

"Remember Andrea from work?" Krieger was at another computer. "One of them is from her."

"Not the incident with the whipped cream and the copy machine!" Mallory groaned.

"It is," Krieger said.

"No need to go into that," Lana sighed. "We've all seen it."

"So has everyone else," Krieger remarked.

"They should see the bill I had to pay to replace that copy machine!" Mallory groaned. "Who knew whipped cream would do so much damage?"

"Not as much damage as the one Valarie put up," Pam groaned. "Again better directing and camera angle than the pornos."

"Great…" Mallory groaned. "My comatose son has the reputation of a cheap gigolo."

"And this is **news**?" Cheryl asked.

"Look I know it sounds bad," Lana sighed. "But this is Archer. Odds are this was going to happen sooner or later."

"And again," Cyril spoke up. "Only sixty-two videos out of what? A couple hundred…thousand? No way Archer was going to beat those odds."

"Still a really low number," Ray nodded.

"Oh and there are videos of Archer and Lana at that restaurant where he's harassed by his past conquests," Pam added. "And Rhonda beating his ass."

"Can you send me a link to that one?" Cyril asked.

"Me too!" Ray chimed in.

"And me," Cheryl added.

"I'll send a forward," Pam told them.

"So my son now has a global reputation for being an irresponsible horn dog?" Mallory sighed. "Again…This really is not news."

"Told you!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Yeah pretty much everyone who has ever worked in intelligence knew that," Lana admitted. "As well as anyone who worked in escort services."

"And the KGB," Mallory sighed.

"Not to mention the entire city of Las Vegas," Ray added. "Or Willemstad."

"I'm pretty sure Archer made a name for himself on that island he was bartending," Cyril added. "And I'm betting it wasn't a good one."

"They didn't call him the Man Whore of Manhattan back in New York for his manners," Pam snorted.

"They made up a lot of names for him in Monte Carlo," Lana added. "And Paris. And after that incident in Portugal."

"Not to mention the incident with that teenage tramp in Gstaad," Mallory rolled her eyes.

"And that **other** incident in Bangkok," Krieger added.

"And those **other-other** incidents in Canada," Ray added.

"San Marcos," Pam added.

"Columbia," Cyril groaned.

"Whore Island," Cheryl added.

"Okay…I'm calming down now," Lana let out a breath. "I admit the pornos were a shock, but considering Archer's history…Not that big a deal."

"Again, odds are he was going to get on film performing some kind of sexual act…" Cyril agreed. "Pretty inevitable actually."

"Technically he was already on film with all the honeypot missions he used to do," Mallory admitted. "Some of them are online aren't they?"

"There's more than a few of them that make up the sixty two," Krieger admitted.

"That's what I thought," Mallory groaned. "And how did they get online?"

"Some of them are from our former agents who stole from us," Krieger explained. "Like Rodney Whosits."

"Of course..." Mallory winced.

"And one or two are from the people we tried to blackmail but it didn't take," Krieger nodded.

"I know," Mallory remembered. "Some of those women were willing to pay so they had proof they had sex with someone as good looking as Sterling. Worked better than blackmailing them now that I think about it."

"I'm just angry that the asshole couldn't even go a **whole day** before plunging his dick into some strange woman's vagina!" Lana grumbled.

"Well they don't get much stranger than Veronica Deane," Mallory admitted. "Oh wait…" She looked at Pam and Cheryl.

"I'm afraid it's about to get worse," Krieger remarked as he looked at his computer. "Apparently, there was a hidden camera in Veronica Deane's dressing room…"

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"What website?" Pam asked.

"Veronica recorded herself in her own dressing room?" Lana was stunned.

"Who **does** that?" Mallory asked.

"In order," Krieger spoke up. "Jaguar News Website and ZMT. No, someone else put a hidden camera in there. Apparently, the head of the studio also had an unhealthy crush on Veronica Deane."

"What is that woman?" Mallory snapped. "A vampire for dicks?"

"Praise from the master," Cheryl quipped.

"Oh God…" Lana groaned as she looked at the footage on Krieger's computer.

"Really regretting your decision to get back with Mr. Archer huh?" Cheryl snorted.

"I'm regretting your parents' decision **to reproduce**!" Lana snapped.

"Ditto," Mallory groaned. "As well as **mine!"**

"Well look at the bright side," Krieger said. "At least there's a timer on the clock there. So it clearly states the time wasn't three and clears you…"

"Lana was **already** cleared!" Pam snapped. "No thanks to Shapiro and Nancy Glue over here!"

"They're already making comments on how Archer is a brain-dead boy toy," Krieger said.

"And that was before he fell into a coma," Cyril added.

"That's **it!"** Mallory snapped. "Next time we go to the hospital…I'm pulling the plug!"

"But Archer isn't on life support," Pam pointed out.

"He will be by the time I'm through with him!" Mallory snapped.


End file.
